PTSD

by RAH

I can’t help but stare at you. I wonder how everyone else can go about their day without a single thought of your cold, unfocused eyes staring back at them. Why do you always follow me? I find you in places and situations you have no right to be. Just because my lover has to pause to take a breathing treatment, doesn’t mean you can just start looming over my shoulder for the rest of the day. Just because someone scratched my back, doesn’t give you the right to drag me back to that night.
You’re making my life hell. I can’t sleep with you watching me like that, with you playing the sounds over and over again. I can’t bare the silence anymore. I have to fill it with something to keep you at bay, or you’ll just keep me there forever. I just wish you would go away. I wish I could forget you.

It’s not that I hate you. I loved you back then and I still love you now. Still, all the love in the world won’t keep your ghost at bay. I am forever haunted by the memory of your loss. The sound of your breathing machine falling from your lips. The sight of you slumped over so suddenly. The feeling of your weight on my legs as you were pushed back on the bed. Your cold eyes staring, unfocused and unblinking, upwards towards the ceiling.
I can’t get you out of my head. 15 years I’ve been trying, and failing, to get rid of you. I can’t do this anymore. You died that night, and yet I’ve been fighting to get my mind away from the ghost of your memory for most of my life. I wish I could force you away, but I don’t think I can. I hope you might go away on your own, but I doubt that at this point. 
Please, Grandma, I just want my mind back to myself. Please let me go so that I can let go of you too.

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